The Kindness of Strangers

It's been pouring down rain all morning, so my husband and I decided to drive our daughter to school today.  He took her in while I waited in the car, enjoying my new ipod downloads.  As soon as he got back from drop-off and tried to start the engine, we realized our car battery was dead.  Bummer.  He was already late for work and we were parked right next to a fire hydrant, of course.  We managed to keep our cool, however, and somehow even had the foresight to have jumper cables in our trunk.  Eureka!  But the best part of our mini-debacle was that the first car that drove by and saw our hood up stopped and asked us if we needed a jump.  The first car!  In the pouring rain.  At rush hour.  In Brooklyn.

Don't you just love it when stuff like that happens?  I've been replaying that scene in my head all morning and wondering why something as simple as one kind little gesture can set the tone for your entire day. In pondering how to recreate that feeling in my own home, I started thinking about a book I've had on my shelf for years and have read cover to cover at least three times.  It's called Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, and it's written by Dr. Harville Hendrix. 

It's pretty fascinating and it gives you an inkling as to why you might have chosen your particular mate.  Apparently a lot of us go for patners who somehow resemble a parental figure with whom we have some unresolved conflict.    For example, we might choose a mate with the same anger management issues as our father in an attempt to somehow get the relationship "right" this time.  Often, trying to resolve the conflict with our mate instead of our parent just leads to more relationship trouble. Confusing?  He explains it all better than I can.  

The crux of the book is more about how you can get the kind of love you want by giving it first.  It all goes back to the old adage about treating others as you'd like to be treated yourself.  If you can do one small thing daily that will help your partner out, it will resonate and often be reciprocated.  It creates a win-win dynamic, and the relationship flourishes as a result.  

It seems so simple, right?  So why is it so hard for some of us to do this?  Why is a show of appreciation or support such a hurdle for some of us?  You may have to work that out with your therapist, but you can start by faking it until it starts to feel genuine.  Anyway, that's my homework for the week.  What's yours?